Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Like butter scraped over too much bread

Today, I was supposed to attend the Toronto edition of LotuSphere Comes To You. I'd been looking forward to the event, hoping to catch a glimpse of some of what's to come, and maybe get a bit of that convention high that happens when a bunch of enthusiasts get together for a common purpose. Sadly, that was not to happen. Today was, instead, one of those increasingly frequent days when my arms and legs simply would not do what I wanted them to do when I wanted them to do it.

As much as I hate to admit it to myself, I have reached the point where I can no longer look after myself in any reasonable sense of that phrase. Yes, I have been working with the local social services agencies to try to find a supported living situation, but I've been fighting the process as well. I'm just forty-seven years old and most of the time my self-image is that of someone who hasn't quite gotten to thirty yet. I don't feel like someone who is ready for the nursing home. And then I run into a stretch of time when I can't dress or feed myself, and I feel so effing helpless.

Contrary to what may seem to be the overall tone of this posting, my spirits are pretty high for the most part. As far as I can, I've been a pretty active participant in this life of mine, and I've been able to maintain some sense of usefulness. When I can, I've been picking some of the low-hanging fruit on the Notes and Domino 6 & 7 Forum (although I would rather be taking on the bigger problems), and I still have little trouble finding people to work with who are worse off than I am in the wider world. It's getting a little harder, though, since I can no longer really make any commitments to be anywhere or do anything in the future. Life really has become a one day at a time affair, so I have to do what I can right now since there may not be a chance later.


JYR said...

Hi Stan,

We don't know each other very much, except from the forum but it gives me chills to hear you speak like that, I find it sad to see you in this situation.

I hope that you are back in good health soon.


T Boyd said...

Hi Stan,

I'm very sorry that conditions have become so poor for you. I truly hope that things improve, and that you feel alot better real soon.

Given the tremendous input you have had in the forums and the excellent assistance you have provided to many of us, I figure they should provide you with a LCTYP (Lotusphere Comes To You Personally!) session.

All the very best Stan,

Terry Boyd.

Gregg said...

When I read several postings concerning LCTY Toronto, I was thinking "some lucky people have the opportunity to meet Stan." The fact that no one reported meeting you gave me pause.

I hope that you return to good health soon. If there is anything that we can do, please ask. I realize that may be/could be difficult, but there are a lot of people who care about you.

FWIW, I love to see your name appear in the forums, much like JYR. :-)

Ed Brill said...

Really had hoped to see you today, my friend. I hope and pray that things get better. You have the will I hope you can find the way.

Vitor Pereira said...

I was thinking about you on the way to the office this morning and made a mental note to ask Ed if you guys had been able to get together in Toronto.
It's like Ed said you have the will, just keep fighting man.

Coatsie said...

Keep strong my friend

All the best,

Benoit Dubuc said...

Stan, I have a bit of an idea of what you go through: my wife is in the middle of a multiple sclerosis attack and it's a bad one as she barely walks by herself. We got a wheelchair and some fancy crutches, but

And I can completely understand when you say you are too young to have these issues... My sleep apnea is gone, in theory, but the sleep is not much better, so I still have short term memory issues... And I'm not even 40... But I'm way too busy to get depressed with that. I too adopted the day to day approach and we'll see tomorrow what happens tomorrow.

You still have my email so if you need anything, please let me know. I can't promise anything, but I'll sure try to help.

Hang in there, man... It's good to hear from you.


Debbie said...

Stan, I often think about you and hope you're doing ok. Do your best to take care of yourself, and remember there are people who care for you eventhough we've never met you. *HUG*