Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Canadian isn't all that counts...

INXS got it wrong, and that's all I have to say about that.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Thanks, folks.

Just a quick note to say thank-you to all of those who have responded to my previous posting (and not all of the responses were posted here). I feel a lot better about the direction I'm taking now. And believe me, given my history, it's a lot easier to fall into the "what the hell have I done" thinking pattern than the "future's so bright I gotta wear shades" one.

Everyone needs a certain amount of stress to function properly. Eu-stress, the psychologists call it. I didn't really understand, though, how far past that certain amount, how deeply into dys-stress (or distress), I had gone until it was lifted for a while. With your help, I feel that load lifting again.

That being said, I'd still rather do this with a more substantial portfolio of liquid assets. But when all is said and done, I'd rather live with a bit of uncertainty than have a biweekly paycheque and monthly heart attacks....

Thursday, September 15, 2005

It's quiet. Too quiet.

I know there hasn't been a whole lot going on here lately. Part of that has to do with the fact that I managed to take a week off of work a little while back. It was just a week, but it was a week of peace and quiet. The constant racket of downtown living was replaced by bird song, quiet conversation and the occasional dog bark. I didn't manage to get completely away from the computer or from development, but I was able to put the office aside and get some (well, only a little, really) of my personal work done. And for a few days, there, I actually felt something like healthy.

Then the week of peace ended, and it was time to go back to work. I really didn't understand what the job was doing to me until that first day back. I could feel my chest tightening, my stomach churning, the tension returning to every muscle in my body. My back made its presence known in no uncertain terms. That was all within an hour of returning to the office. Since then, my insomnia has returned. I knew right away that this job is killing me.

So to anyone that was expecting to see me at the 'sphere, I'm afraid I'll probably have to disappoint you. I may need the money to bridge the gap between jobs. I'm not exactly well-positioned for a strategic withdrawal from the working world, and I don't have anything firm lined up yet. Who knows? I may end up flipping burgers or something for a while.

All I know is that I can't stay where I am, locked permanently into R5, doing minimal-touch maintenance on some of the most horrifically poorly architected and designed applications I've ever seen. (There is no way anyone can convince me that four minutes to open a form is either normal or acceptable.) I don't like not being able to fix the fundamental problems because quarterly numbers take precedence over an overall ROI on a proper fix. I don't like being handed projects in mid-stream that have been approved with estimates that are off by an order of magnitude because the time allotted for estimation is insufficient, or where the specification has little or nothing to do with the actual requirements (something that is likely to turn up only in acceptance testing). I don't like nondeterministic development cycles, waiting for weeks or months to have high-priority stuff tested by stakeholders who are too busy already, while my deliverables slip and the slippage is recorded against my performance. I don't like doing an hour of paperwork for every hour of development effort (on my own time, thanks) that is likely to be rejected at some level because I didn't use the magic words. Most of all, I don't like being called a "consultant" when I'm actually just an interchangeable warm body in just another outsourcing centre, distinguishable from my Indian colleagues only by time zone (for which the client pays a small premium).

I'm good at what I do when I'm allowed to do what I'm good at. I've been known to put in 400-hour months to get the job done. I hope that when I put this job behind me I can use my powers for good. I have applications to release to beta and a book to finish, neither of which I've been able to do, what with my soul being sucked dry and all. I look forward to the day when I can solve somebody's real problems after finding out for myself what the problems were in the first place.

And I look forward to meeting some of you some day, if I can ever afford it.